The Ohio River Scrolls
The Ohio River Scrolls consist of roughly 900 scrolls discovered between 1870 and 1876 in eleven small caves in and around Sewickley, PA, on the northeast shore of the Ohio River.
The texts are of great historical significance, as they include practically the only known surviving copies of antique football documents written, and preserve evidence of significant edicts that were meant to be observed.
Many of the scrolls are now housed in a secret vault known only to a few at the NFL Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, OH.
Discovery
It is generally accepted that a West Virginia goat or sheep-herder by the name of Heffelfinger (nicknamed “Pudgy”) made the first discovery toward the beginning of 1870. In the most commonly told story the shepherd threw a rock into a cave in an attempt to drive out a missing animal under his care. The shattering sound of pottery drew him into the cave, where he found several ancient jars containing scrolls wrapped in linen.
Date & Contents
According to carbon dating, textual analysis, and handwriting analysis the documents were written at various times between the middle of the 2nd century BC and the 1st century AD. They are believed to have been lost somewhere around the 4th Century when Alexander the Great conquered Persia because there have been no artifacts of the sport discovered after this time period.
The Nash Papyrus from Egypt, containing a copy of the Ten Commandments, is the only other document of comparable antiquity. While some of these scrolls were written on papyrus, a good portion were written on a brownish animal hide that scientists have confirmed to be wild pig. Many scholars believe this why we refer to a football as a “pigskin” to this day.
Important texts include the so-called “Manual of Discipline”, which gives much information on the structure and methodology of the sport, and the earliest version of the forward pass. Two other documents, the “Hook & Lateral Scrolls”, appear to list actual gadget plays as well as ancient blitz packages and even cheerleaders, has probably excited the greatest attention. Other texts also include “The War in the Trenches”, “It Is What It Is” and “The Art of the Pass”.
The Oldest Scroll
The scroll that is believed to be the first manuscript written has been simply called “The Genesis Document”. This document tells of a man named Amos, who in obedience to the football gods, created the first football and even erected the first football stadium.
“And the gods said unto Amos, The beginning of all sport is come. Behold, make thee a quadrilateral orb from the hide of a cloven beast. Yea, also make thee a field. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the field shall be one hundred cubits and the breadth of it fifty cubits. Contain the field with benches of gopher wood with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. And, behold, I, even I, will bring the people. For if you build it they will come.”
Within the Ohio River Scrolls, archaeologists have also found The Incontrovertible Laws of Football which appear to be the football equivalent of “The Ten Commandments”. These commandments are the essence of all 667 laws documented in the scrolls - which only the most studious football scholars have access to (the Football Brainiac being one of them).
And now, thanks to the Football Brainiac, The Incontrovertible Laws of Football, which have never before been released to the public can be viewed in their entirety. Be cautioned, though. Each reader should check his heart before you going this page. Make sure you have a pure and clean conscience. For ye mortals do not want to stir up the wrath of the football gods!